Tuesday, September 18, 2007

For Lori and Donna...

My 2 wonderful first time pregnant friends!
Just some advice...

Preparation for Parenthood

Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.

1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans.

Men: to prepare for paternity, go the local drug store, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper and read it for the last time.

2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it - it'll be the last time in your life that you will have all of the answers.

3. To discover how the nights feel, walk around, the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. at 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1am.

Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can't get back to sleep, get up a 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45 am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning.

6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Puffs and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, you have just qualified for a place on the playgroup committee.

7. Forget the Miata and buy a Mini Van. And don't think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family-size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. -There! Perfect!

8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back in the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.

10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this do not even contemplate having children.

11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Froot Loops and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half of the Froot Loops are gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old baby.

12. Learn the names of every character from Barney and Friends, Sesame Street and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself singing "I love you, you love me" at work, now!, you finally qualify as a parent.

2 year olds suck sometimes!

So, I NOW know why Hotels have that seemingly useless upper lock thingy on their doors.
It is so 2 year olds can't escape the room while you are trying to go "potty".

Last night, after a blissful day with the family in Del Mar, CA (we were visiting with my cousin who just came home from a tour in Kuwait) A.J. decides to run outside to find Daddy and T.F.
Unfortunately, A.J. decides to run the OPPOSITE direction of Daddy and T.F.

Luckily, I heard the door close, so I made a quick exit from my "business", and ran out the door to find A.J., whom I could hear screaming somewhere, terrified that he was lost!
Down the hall, around the corner, around ANOTHER corner, and thank GOD there he was, crying his little heart out. A kind woman was trying to calm him down, and I swooped him up into my arms, and joined him in this crying fest!

Nothing like a little relaxing family vacation to make you feel like a horrible parent!
Obviously, I need to start taking this blogger thingy more importantly!

My blog is worth $564.54.
How much is your blog worth?

Thursday, June 28, 2007

So I am a little worried about my oldest...

he is fascinated with the Countrywide guy.
Alex will come running from every room to the family room when he hears his voice.
What is it this guy has that I don't that captures Alex's attention. I am a little jealous...

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Is it just me...

or has Paris Hilton never looked better then this morning when she walked out of jail?
I don't really want to give any more attention to her, but really, she actually looked like a nice girl, for once.

Keep it straight, Paris!

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Funny Starbucks customers...

ok, so I work part time at Starbucks, as well as being an addict.

A customer cracked us up this morning.

He walked in and said, "Hi. I will have a cup of the Starbucks Coffee".
My partner and I looked at each other with that knowing smile... like, what else would be serving?

"Um, sorry sir, but we are all out of Starbucks Coffee. We are only serving 7-11 coffee today".

He was cute.

Happy Birthday To Alexander...

happy birthday, to YOU!
Happy Birthday dear Alexander....
Happy Birthday to you, monkey face!

Wednesday, June 20, 2007


So, summer has arrived. Daily temps in the high 80's to low 90's, with projections of much hotter temps coming up.
Living in Southern California, this should make me happy, right?

Well, this is the time of year where my Mediterranean Heritage comes to haunt me.
Where do I begin? Well, I didn't inherit the beautiful olive skin of my Italian ancestors; nope, I inherited the curse of dark body hair...ugh! If I had one wish, it would be to never, ever have to shave my legs again!

Nair or Neet, razor or laser, it doesn't matter... all the methods just plain suck!

Depilatories stink and sting.
Razors burn and nick.
Lasers, well, they are just too expensive.
Waxing works, but hurts like heck, and bruises.
Electrolysis? Can't even spell it, and I am not poking needles into my skin just to electrocute myself...

My waxer even commented... "boy, you do have a lot of hair!"


To be young and Norwegian.

Monday, June 18, 2007

My Preemie turns 2!

This week is so momentous!
Alexander was born at 1lb 6oz., he was 25 & 1/2 weeks gestation. That day was horrendous. I wasn't afraid until I actually saw little Alex. So tiny and fragile. The truth is, I should have been afraid the entire pregnancy, but I wasn't. I had so much faith everything would be fine.
Then I saw Alex, and my world came crashing down on me. The Dr's were not very positive, and projected, that if he lived, he would probably be mentally and physically handicapped, very probably have blindness and deafness, and possibly never be able to eat by mouth. Thank God for the Nurses at the Hospital! They were rays of positivity and hope. They, it appeared, still believed in miracles! When the pain was the deepest, my lovely sister Susie was there to prop me up and show me how to be a mom.

After 5 1/2 months in the hospital, 4 surgeries, Alex came home. Our little miracle, with the help of modern science continued to thrive.
His first year was a blur of vomit and tears, laughter and love, joy and pain, but he was home, and that was all that mattered to us.

Fast foward to today, Alexander is a healthy, happy, and quirky little boy! He loves Blue's Clues and the Wonderpets, but hates it when his mom or dad sings the songs from the shows! He loves to dance, with techno being his favorite dance music, although anything will do. Goldfish are his favorite food, but he will eat almost anything.

As far as his development goes, he is almost completely caught up. The only area where he is behind is his speech. Alex doesn't have much to say yet, but I am sure that will change one day! He has great vision and hearing. His intelligence is normal. He doesn't have any of the issues that the dr's predicted.

How blessed this family has been.

Families are beautiful!

Kind People

I am sitting here in a local starbucks today, enjoying my precious few moments of quiet time. Well, quiet if you ignore the blender going off every few moments blending a $4.00 Frappuccino for a customer.

As I came into Starbucks today, looking for a seat, the only one available was sitting in the window, directly in the "hot ZONE!".
At 9am today, it was already in the 80's here in Southern California. The lady at a large table next to me offered to share her table with me and I graciously accepted. Just one of the little acts of kindness we all could do each and every day to make our country a better place.

When world reports of war, genocide, famine, abortion, murder, abuse, etc. I am glad that there are daily reminders of God's goodness, even in the simple gesture of sharing a table.

Tuesday, March 6, 2007

Where will I find the time?

So, between slinging Joe 20ish hours a week, being a mom to 2 babies , a taxi driver to my unwilling-to-drive mom, and maintaining a spotless?!?!?(yeah right) home... where will I find the time to blog? More importantly, who wants to know what I think?
Me, a 30something mommy with little to talk about besides babybean#1 and babybean#2?

Yeah... right.